Holy Wisdom Church
C. S. Lewis remarked that “Everyone says forgiveness is a
lovely idea—until they have something to forgive.”
Things can get tricky when we feel we’ve been wronged.
We know a person can be so hurt and angry, they want “to kill.” Then resentment, bitterness, and anger eat
away at us if we allow them to simmer inside..
The great preacher Frederick Buechner said
that the impulse to lick our wounds, smack our lips over grievances… roll over the
tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, savor the last
morsel…of pain you are given…or giving back…is a feast fit for a king. The
chief drawback: What you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton left after
the feast is you. Later, I have a better menu I can
share with you.
If time
heals all wounds, there wouldn’t be so many people feeling hurt, sad, or bitter
for so long, or who retaliate or act like the living dead looking for relief. Nations
and nationalities would not be at enmity with one another for ages on end.
Not time,
but forgiving and being forgiven, is what heals all wounds and gives life.
Italian psychiatrist Robert Assagioili said that “Without forgiveness, life is
governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” Nelson Mandela
said, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom,
I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in
prison.”
Confronting
hurt and resentment are fundamental to our relationship with God. Jesus came to set captives free,
both the unforgiven and the unforgiving, and to bring us life in abundance. He
said “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” They
were not being forced: They knew very well what they were doing to him–but from
the viewpoint of living spirit and humanity, they did not have a clue.
We know, as religious and spiritual, loving and growth-minded
people, that we “should” forgive. We like to emphasize this when we’re the ones
hoping to be forgiven! Because we can pretty much guarantee we will be hurtful to someone at some
point or another.
If we are
still in the habit of committing the offense, we can’t expect forgiveness. Those
offended have an excuse to continue their hostility.
A life characterized by forgiveness is a
complex, emotional, and mindful process and journey. It is more difficult depending
on how serious an offence is and how it is perceived on both sides. “Decisional
forgiveness” is when we choose our response and behavior, and where we intend
to address our relationships in healthy and mature ways. Even if my feelings do not match up with my desire to
forgive, the act begins here and now with a choice. Anne
Lamott says, “Forgiveness
means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back.”
This is essential to long-term relationships, living in community,
and peaceful co-existence in the world.
Practicing forgiveness is also a way to
help stop our minds replaying transgressions repeatedly over time, which can
lead to distress, physical disease, and emotional and psychological disorders. It
allows us to untangle and release our distressful thoughts and uncomfortable
feelings.
When we forgive, we allow ourselves
to engage more deeply in life by healing and decreasing our suffering. We no
longer give our time and energy to thoughts and feelings of anger, hurt, and
justification. We open up our time and energy for more pleasant and creative options.
For survivors of indelible
traumatic injury and abuse, the #MeToo movement sparked the freedom to speak up
and find healing. It points out the need to upgrade destructive and false
definitions of forgiveness, justice, silence, and forced reconciliation. Forgiveness
in this case is a long process of releasing resentment and finding support,
change, and a new aliveness. “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept
an apology you never got.” The author of Short
Thoughts for the Long Haul says, “If you can’t forgive and forget, pick one.”
Here
is today’s recipe: Start your day free by focusing on your own care: meditate, and
avoid the distress of emails and old ruminations.
When
you are hurt, consider the source. Is the other lashing out?
Grow
from criticism if a grain of truth is there. Their criticism defines them, not
me.
If
upset, feel it for five, then bye-bye. It’s like stubbing a toe: take on the
physical sensation fully, yell “ouch” without mental drama and interpretations.
It moves out fast. Feel it for five, then bye-bye.
Sensitivity
is a gift: don’t toughen up, but smarten up! Keep heart and mind healthy and pure.
“If you can’t
forgive and forget, pick one.”
But sometimes that whole “forgive and forget” thing doesn’t quite
add up when there’s a pattern of transgressions. And something deep within you
suspects that just “wiping the slate clean” is not the wisest or safest path
ahead—emotionally, spiritually, financially or physically.
If you’ve ever wondered whether you really need to forgive and forget,
this episode may give you a fresh perspective to consider.
Distrust
and resentment: forgiving doesn’t mean you’ll trust or condone or tolerate
further… and don’t have to befriend.
Struggling to forgive
one who has wronged us is usually a multistep affair and often takes a
significant amount of time.
Receiving comfort,
understanding the truth, and reaching the freedom of forgiveness are seldom
simple, one-moment endeavors. A long time may be needed to completely follow
and experience Jesus’ model of forgiveness.
Forgiving does not
mean that we forget what they did to us. Whoever told us that we can “forgive
and forget” was quite misguided. The pain of some things is so intense that we
will never forget them. Nevertheless, by God’s grace we can forgive them even
though we may never forget what they did to us.
Abstract forgiveness is a character
strength and process that, when practiced, is associated with improved
psychological well-being, physical health outcomes, and longevity. Forgiveness
can serve as a protective factor that buffers against poor health and
psychological consequences. Common misconceptions about forgiveness can serve
as barriers to the desire to cultivate this protective strength, as forgiveness
is often conflated with permissiveness and is perceived as permission for a
transgressor to engage in hurtful conduct. The benefits of forgiveness,
however, are most significant for the individual who has been transgressed,
rather than the transgressor. Failing to forgive, or unforgiveness, is the
practice of engaging in ruminative thoughts of anger, vengeance, hate, and
resentment that have unproductive outcomes for the ruminator, such as increased
anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure, vascular resistance, decreased
immune response, and worse outcomes in coronary artery disease. Practicing
forgiveness enables the transgressed individual to reduce their engagement in
rumination, thus reducing their experience of anger, resentment, and hate.
Forgiveness, then, is a pathway to psychological well-being and health
outcomes.
Think positive, but not too much, and think
negative when you need to.
Of course, thinking positive has its benefits. But thinking
positive isn't always the best response. Negative thoughts sometimes have
benefits too.
When we are sad or grieving, thinking negative thoughts and
showing the emotions that these thoughts create helps us communicate to others
that we need their support and kindness. When we are treated unfairly and
we get angry, our thoughts can help motivate us to take action, make changes in
our lives, and change the world. Casually pushing these negative emotions aside
without seriously considering their origins can have negative consequences. So
when you focus on the negative, ask yourself: Is this negative emotion
resulting in action that improves your life? If so, then keep it. If not, then
work on changing it.
Forgiveness:
hurt versus trauma. Unconditional forgiveness
comes at great cost. The person who has been abused in childhood has already
paid an enormous cost. It is not always possible then for them to come and face
the enormity of the problem, sometimes seeing it clearly for the first time,
and then be able to outlay another cost at that point. Forgiveness of an abuser
most often comes after a long process of coming to terms with a lifetime of
effects. We can support survivors in forgiving in their own way, in
their own time, without ever having to reconcile or condone.
On the Sunday
just before the first day of Great Lent, it was established that, in accordance
with that Gospel reading, on that day, we should observe the pious custom of
asking one another to forgive us our sins, whether committed in knowledge or in
ignorance, and of taking all possible measures to reconcile ourselves with
those who are at odds with us. That is the first step on the way to Great Lent.
Accordingly, that Sunday is customarily referred to as Forgiveness Sunday.
In those brief exchanges, we are not able
to work out all of the sins and slights that may have built up over the year,
and we are not able to test the sincerity of the other’s plea. Is it possible
to just go through the motions? Yes. Has all truly been forgiven and made
right? Maybe not. Nonetheless, it is an important and visceral step toward the
other: an invitation to and entering in of God’s grace. It is remarkable just
how much is communicated in that awkward, emotional, and hope-filled receiving
line. Holding a gaze with your fellow church members for those brief seconds,
there is a searing sensation. You remember back to the exact moment (or
moments) over the past 12 months when you were short-tempered or selfish or uncaring—forgetting
to inquire after an ill parishioner’s health, interpreting a turned head as
judgment of my unruly 5-year-old’s noisemaking.
A
theologian in the 1960s wrote: “The early Church’s practice of forgiveness can
be honored again. As pastors, we must help our churches discover how, or our
churches will be dead. As Christians, theology will begin from that forgiveness
which is the heart of the gospel, or the Christian faith will be irrelevant to
the crisis of this age. That irrelevance will say nothing about what the faith
is, but it will highlight its betrayal by us.”
